I cannot stress enough just how much I have learned in the past week.
Today is Monday. It started 2 Sundays ago.
A moment in college just popped into my head. I am uncertain whether I was actually sitting in junior-year math when this occurred, but this is what I see in my mind's eye.
I was sitting next to Ms. Dougherty, on my regular seat. We were having a discussion on the ideas of infinity and infinitesimal. I look across the room onto the blank blackboard and make a wish.
I do not understand the Universe. Although I don't know what I don't know, I know that I don't know. I wish to know.
The Universe answered. It has been answering over the years by unfolding itself, dropping miracle pebbles as hints along my path.
My circle of knowledge is expanding. It hits really uncomfortable spots. I feel the resistance. You aren't afraid of the unknown. The unknown is neutral. Uncertainty provokes curiosity. What you are afraid of is what you project into the unknown.
Has it been a period of rapid growth? I highly suspect.
.
There is this person. He is the butterfly of it all.
Oh no, the butterfly is my droplet of a desire. Or shall I call it the butterfly's wish to explore the next flower?
Before I knew it, the tornado befell me.
I again see myself in this pit in the ground, looking up at the stars, sky cut out by the rim of the pit.
Please save me!
It is not love. It is attachment. It is craving. It is my wish to bypass it all. Rewrite my history.
.
Intellectually, I see that it has little to do with him.
He gave nothing but a phantom of a canvas to project my fantasies onto.
He just happened to do the right things at the right time.
I can easily pick him apart and give you a thousand reasons why I shouldn't like him. Again, intellectually.
Physiologically, however, I wish to melt into his embrace.
.
Oh how I love my friends. Especially after yesterday. What did they do to me?
Yumi invited me out to a vegan pop-up.
You meet someone in a positive setting, common hobbies. And it subsequently leads to more positive experiences.
(Now imagine you meet someone on a drunken night.)
It is an underground café hidden in plain sight in downtown Osaka - Common Café, so it is called.
I come down the flight of stairs, into a different world.
This world is sheeny brown, peppered with green and white.
Books, shelves, wooded tables, languages, foreigners, knitted masks, strangers.
Someone's voice is booming. Oh it's just Jools. It's been a while.
What is this freedom that I am feeling? Coherent thoughts flow out of me in succinct words. They land. Better yet, your sheer presence inspires me to discover!
Sitting in front of you. I did miss you! (which I would have dismissed even just 6 months ago. I didn't think friends were important.)
You see me just how I am. I don't need to think about it.
In front of the phantom man, I can't be myself because he will laugh at me for the tomboy klutz that I am. I will make a fool of myself. I am not the cutsie little rabbit that I should be to attract and secure their attention. It traces back to childhood, elementary school. The smarty sweet boys loved me, but the jocks rejected me. They thought, no I thought I was a thick fool. Why would I put myself through that again?
So I hide parts of myself: natural, outspoken, taking up space, assertive.
.
Teal Swan says if you are not living what you want, it is because there is still a part of you in resistance.
What? Why?
I fear I am not good enough for them. I don't want to feel the pain of rejection. I feel there is something wrong. What would they see in me? There is nothing to love.
.
What is femininity? What is masculinity?
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Last two times Chelsea and I hung out, it was by virtue of the universe's grace.
I texted her asking for updates on her house-hunting.
The very afternoon she would be in the same area. First time was in Minami-Senri, second time in Umeda.
Anyone who can say "I have a huge ego. I hate rejections and criticism. If we keep hanging out you are gonna see the bitch side of me. Ultimately, when I act out, I just want someone to be non-reactive. It will be my salvation, because then I can face my own brattiness with equanimity." is a G.
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Seeing Yumi, Genesis and Chelsea hanging out is like seeing my worlds merging.
The more you heal, the more you know you haven't healed.
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