Oh Kurt. Kurt’s story was a saucy one. Proportionally to the time we shared, he’s the one I wrote about the most for reasons that are still growing in number.
I met him the weekend I went to Okinawa for Haruka’s wedding. Our first date was a Starbucks and museum date. The only indicator for my interest in him was my complete loss of appetite. My body knew well before my mind. I almost did not swipe right on Bumble because he wrote nothing in his bio, but he’s very good looking and had confidence and positivity listed as 2 of his interests, so I knew he’s not a complete meathead.
He was the most good looking guy I had been with. A full smoke show. I always chose good-looking men, but Kurt was on a different level. There is not one picture, nor did I ever catch a glimpse of him in the flesh that did not look good. Goofy, awkward, maybe, but always handsome. He was scrumptious, decadent, delicious, finger licking good. Think Tom Cruise but cuter. He’s even an Air Force guy. Beauty is subjective and there have been hot men that I was never sexually attracted to. But maybe that's why they are just and still friends. I found Kurt both beautiful and insanely hot. There were other reasons why we were involved for so long but none of them would have mattered if the attraction wasn’t so strong. Unfortunately the wires between lust and love are terribly crossed for most of us. Why can't we simply take it for what it is? Why can't we just have sex without falling in love?
Boy fell in love by the end of our first date, before things turned sexual. His intense infatuation also lent itself to our prolonged entanglement. By that I don’t mean he ever didn't take a no for a no. If anything, he always went out of his way to not impose his will on me. Initially, he was only supposed to be a good time on vacation, but we talked for 6 months before it finally fizzled out with much effort from both sides to let it go.
In hindsight, another major reason I stuck around for so long was what I made it mean to have his heart. It meant so much because my unconscious mind placed him at a high value. Sure, my conscious mind campaigned very hard for the opposite, which wasn’t hard to do. He wasn’t the most thoughtful, loving, empathetic, educated, creative or generous. I don’t know if I would even say he was particularly kind or honest. He could very well be another Joe Schmoe off the street. But attraction sometimes has nothing to do with those positive traits.
In my personal life, I was going through a rough transition. I wasn't in my healthiest state. I couldn't let Kurt go, for distraction or support, even though I knew we would not end up together. I fought my feelings for him, but eventually surrendered.
I can't tell you much about the man because I simply don't know. I can sit here all day telling you what I think he's like but that would be stupid given the amount of time we actually spent together. He flew to Osaka a week after we had met and I visited him again for a long weekend 2 months later. Less than 10 days were we physically together. Both smitten, both on our best behaviour. When we were together, we were in our own sweet fairytale bubble, when we were apart, we always had each other on our minds. There was always romance, even in pain.
I don’t mean I was or wasn’t too good for Kurt. He was by far the most avoidant partner I ever had. With that came both the allure and sheer frustration of dating an avoidant. “The girl almost always likes me more than I like them,” and “I don’t let them know the real me or they wouldn’t like me anymore,” textbook avoidant. I wouldn’t be surprised that he read PUA books and manufactured part of the attraction. I am smart but also hella gullible. I try to take things at face value because we all know to assume is to make an...
He rarely text first. He seldom professed his feelings, but as long as I did first, he had no problem letting the sentiments pour out of him. He always made sure it was safe before showing his feelings. During the month we didn’t speak as an unofficial attempt to break it off, he wrote a 5-stanza poem about me and the universe and opened our chat every day, wrote something and deleted it. Eventually I broke the silence. It was a good poem. What I also found off-putting was that he talked out of his ass a lot but I knew better than to call out someone that wasn’t my boyfriend and I was still interested in seeing. My patience eventually wore thin.
I half-manifested Kurt. Nothing is accidental, but the timing we met was chef’s-kiss perfect. My confidence in my looks tanked after my previous relationship. I did a great deal of inner work and was finally feeling better before meeting Kurt. Even though I felt I wasn’t at my fittest, Kurt was as physically attracted to me as I was him. He loved my body. I loved hearing him not shutting up about how hot I was. He had been with a lot of women. Being adored by someone with options made my ego soar. It was the therapeutic experience that drove home everything I had done prior.
He cared about me in his avoidant and fearful bravado kind of way. And because most of our communication was virtual, I had a lot of blanks to project my fantasies into. Thank god for the red flags on my last visit, or I would have a much harder time pulling away. Being tethered by your own fantasy is one of the most extraordinary yet dangerous experiences one can have.
My own attachment style leaned towards avoidant. But the distance allowed us space to feel safer with our feelings. Paradoxically, what makes an avoidant less avoidant may just be another avoidant in love. I suspect that was why he was such a good container for my emotions. The more emotional I got, the closer he got. I cried a lot of tears in front of him and he never flinched even the first time I bursted into tears during sex. He is reserved with his emotions, so I became the emotional vessel for both of us. Projective identification, what have you. The more emotional I got, the safer he felt. The safer he felt, the safer I felt.
Kurt introduced many views and ways of living to me that challenged my unexamined beliefs. I cannot compare my experience with him to anything. I even learned to allow myself to feel a number of things simultaneously about someone.
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