How I met Julius was a great story. This is how I always tell it:
For 3 weeks, I had been a tired and sad mess. An overpowering wave of vestige from my sad past had oozed up. Most of my free time was spent on the tatami floor as a sobbing heap in a puddle of tears. My core trembled with fear. Having been practising Vipassana meditation for 4 years, I knew what to do but was on the verge of breaking.
At least the peak of summer was over. My birthday had just passed. Don’t remember what I did. All I wanted was a boyfriend, someone to adore all my talent and beauty, which I thought otherwise would be completely wasted if not for the audience. But I was not going out much, nor did I have any faith in the apps. I was hopeless.
So I did a 3-step manifestation ritual as prescribed by Teal Swan in one of her workshops:
Face the reasons why you might not want a boyfriend.
Write down the reasons why you want a boyfriend.
5 minutes of visualisation.
Go distract yourself (optional)
Next day, I met Julius.
Yumi, oh sweet Yumi, had invited me and Genesis to a vegan pop-up. It was held at the Common Cafe, a hip underground shared space near downtown Osaka. I wore a forest green short dress with purple stockings. I wanted to brighten up my mood with that poppy outfit, which I loved, but I still felt like a dumb fool. As I walked down the stairs, I heard a familiar booming voice. It was Jools. He was sitting right by the entrance, talking to Julius. I had met Jools two years prior at a vegan potluck.
I walked over to Yumi’s table, put down my bag and walked over to greet Jools. Julius had a SPREAD of food in front of him. At least 2 entrees and 3 desserts. I also noticed that he was cute - long hair, extremely tall, tasteful glasses and a well groomed moustache, great style with a bright smile to match. When he was in the bathroom, I asked Jools why he had ordered so much food. “Your friend is eating a lot. Is he okay?” were my exact words. Jools said he was on a one-year Buddhist experiment where he followed a slew of precepts, one of which was no food after 12pm, so he was eating one meal a day. Post-poop meet-cute, I leaped to talk to him as soon as he got out. We chatted briefly about meditation, China and the US and he asked for my IG. He sounded completely American and his brother lived in Denver. So I assumed he was American.
I messaged him on Instagram after going home that evening. We were both excited to talk to each other. There was a link to his blog on his Instagram. He’s a Dane, a Japanophile, a wordsmith, with a passion for cooking and an eye for beauty, almost finished with his PhD in mathematics and engineering with Osaka University. An exciting character. We decided to meet up again in a few days, to talk about Dhamma.
By the end of the night, we knew we liked each other. But Julius still had 2 months left on his experiment, therefore he could not touch me. I didn’t think it would be an issue, after all I had decided to not sleep too soon with the next person I wanted to date seriously. But as soon as I went home, I knew I was in trouble. The next day he confirmed that he was too.
Our relationship was very intense. He was a great boyfriend in many ways and in some ways he was not. My mistake was that I too much wanted it to work, I didn’t think I could find or deserve anyone that suited me better. We were two very kind but completely incompatible people desperate for love. He taught me a lot. We were only together for 6 months but those were some, again for lack of a better word, intense 6 months. For the longest time, I foolishly thought he was my twin flame because we triggered each other so much yet the attachment stayed strong. His shadow reflected mine. We were a match made in heaven, for personal growth, not marital bliss.
Relationships are fertile grounds for self-awareness because few things trigger us like a romantic partner. In some ways I understood him deeply, and in others I refused to see him for who he was. As for him, I never know what people see when they get to know me. I am fully aware when I am liked and accepted, but I never feel very known nor do I think about it.
I hated Julius for six months after the breakup until I reaped the fruit of what he had taught me, albeit the hard way. I hated myself more for what the relationship reflected back to me and staying in a relationship with a square peg for that long. I was alarmed and disappointed. Remember the 3-step ritual I did to get him? The second step is to write down reasons for the thing you want. My #1 reason was to expose my shadows, yea the Jungian shadows. That’s exactly what he did for me. It’s never pretty to have your shadow reaped out of the unconscious and have your face shoved in it, birthday cake style at 120km/h. But now I love myself all the more because of his precious gift wrapped ugly.
When we broke up, he said, "We tried, oh how we tried. But maybe it shouldn’t be this hard. " He was right.
I was in love, but I was more in love with the pipe dream I sold myself than with Julius.
I got exactly what I wanted despite the complete underestimation of the full picture of what I had asked for.
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