Cullen was my first boyfriend. A week before meeting him, I woke up one day from a nap, groggy and sad, fantasizing about having someone to wake up to, to comfort me, to adore me, to look upon my closed eyes with tenderness.
He was a love at first sight. I thought if orange juice was a person, it would be Cullen. He had a sweet warm smile, playful demeanor, blonde, blue, tan, tall, lanky, glasses, the occasional bandana to mark his mountain goat status. He was so handsome with a great personality and sharp brain to match.
We had all classes together, and we both worked at the gym. And because we had all classes together, we were scheduled to work similar hours. 2 weeks after meeting me, after I found him staring into the fire at a party standing alone, he pulled me into his arms, “I was looking for you.”
There were so many sweet moments I still remember. He was a great boyfriend, especially a great first boyfriend. He really set the bar high - supportive, loving, stable, fun. I loved him, and he loved me. We were smitten. I met his family and he spoke to mine on Skype. We also fought a lot-mostly me fighting him and him putting up with it. I had no idea what I was doing. I was a relationship idiot brainwashed by Hollywood fairytale bullshit and he bore all the blunt as my first boyfriend.
I have so many things to thank him for. I was very lucky. He loved me in ways I didn't think I could be loved by a boy. He saw things in me that I, even long after we parted ways, could not see in myself. He gave me a home when I was fresh off the boat-terrified and disoriented. He was my rock. I constantly felt awkward. I was not nearly as confident and socially apt as now, nor did I have half the insights I have today.
We could very well still be together if I was more sensible. But I do not regret losing him at all, nor do I have any what-ifs.
All my first sexual experiences were with him. I don’t use the expression “losing virginity” because it’s loaded with too many implications. He was always respectful and giving. We had a lot of fun.
I take full responsibility for the breakup. We had been together for 1.5 years, living together for 4 months. I was feeling increasingly stuck in life. But I always had the relationship to fall back on. He was safe. I got comfortable. I took out my frustration on him. I was mad all the time. I constantly lashed out for the smallest things, until one day he sat across from me at a McDonald’s and broke up with me. I was blindsided, thereby beginning 6 months of on and off, push and pull, tears, what-are-wes, and who-was-thats. Until I left the US to take a year off in Shanghai. Even more drama ensued, but that’s for another time.
Before I left, we took a road trip from New Mexico to Virginia, where he worked for the summer. We visited my mom’s college friend for 2 days in Memphis and I met his coworkers as his girlfriend. It was some of my favorite memories to date. We went to DC and New York City. We went kayaking, hiking, swimming in the wild rivers of West Virginia and had sex in a natural underground cave.
I was such a bitch and hurt him badly, but even after everything he still loved me. He never even raised his voice. At least, this is my narrative. After reviewing a perception like this, you can’t help but wonder what he saw in you.
A year later, I returned as a third-year college student. I looked, felt, thought and acted much differently from a year prior. A lot happened during my time in Shanghai. Once I moved into my new place in Santa Fe, I dialed the number I remembered better than the back of my hand as I sat on the carpeted floor in my bedroom one afternoon. He picked up. We exchanged pleasantries and agreed on a time for me to come pick up the two boxes of books I had left with him.
We met up in the backroom of the gym and hugged awkwardly. I thanked him, picked up my boxes and left. I don’t remember talking to him much after that except once but that is for a different time.
About 4 months later, I was at the Violet Crown with Caleb, a townie I went out with briefly, and saw Cullen with a few other guys from the college. We ran into each other all the time at school, which was very small. But that time, seeing him out on the town, I felt so uneasy. Still to this day, I can’t tell you why I felt so shaken up. It was like a bolt through my system. A bolt of what, I don’t know.
Cullen is one of those people that will always have his special corner my heart. I am confident that we will see each other again some day. He was so important to me at one point and will always be important in that my life would have been completely different without him.
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